But here is what I do have.
I saw this video on FB and showed it to the girls and they loved it - watching it over and over. I loved it too.
I am very careful how I talk about beauty to my daughters because I feel like the "re-define beauty" campaigns can be problematic in that it can be understood as valuing outward beauty over other characteristics. I wrote a bit about it here. I bring that up as just a small disclaimer that really has no other point to what I'm trying to talk about, just felt compelled to say that this guy that I'm about to quote saw the purpose of this video differently than I. I saw it as an invitation for women to lose themselves in the intensity of exercise or sports without caring what others thought. And that's what I used it as an example of in talking about it with my girls. When it said, "Of course I look hot", I interpreted that to be a little irony about how of course those involved in activities shown would be sweaty and hot in temperature and that a normal side-effect of getting lost in an activity that makes you feel powerful and alive is to not realize how you're looking. Wow. Sorry for that poorly written tangent, I should have just said, "When you read Julius Pringle's comment that is what I think too!" but there ya go, at least I made myself laugh writing this.
BUT, on to what I actually wanted to write about. First, this is a conversation thread under the youtube video above [disclaimer: some of the commenters use profanity]
Puddin Tame:
Okay, I get that the whole idea of This Girl Can is to show women they needn't be self-conscious when they exercise and to try to demonstrate that they are beautiful when "sweating like a pig". But honestly, watching this video, I think it might be confirming some women’s worst suspicions about how they look working out. Please help me understand. Why is it important to be beautiful? Is the only antidote to self-consciousness for women the assurance that they are beautiful? As a male, I know I look like shit at the gym. I’m so focused on my workout that I barely register that other people are there except when I’m waiting to use a piece of apparatus. If you told me, “someone was looking at you and saying you looked like a disgraceful fat shit at the gym today”, my honest response would be, “really? How fucking extraneous. It’s a gym, not a goddam beauty contest.” Is empowerment really telling women they’re beautiful even when they’re sweating at the gym? Or might it be that being beautiful is extraneous at the gym? That perhaps you own your beauty and you don’t need to struggle and claw to keep it 24/7. That you can forget about it while you go do something good for your body that has nothing to do with how it looks while you’re doing it.
That's deep. The empowerment should come from letting go of one's vanity and being comfortable when doing it. Good one Puddin Tame. :)
· 4
Looking good is something everyone loves (I think), for women (and for men as well) is such a delicate topic because we are constantly under pressure: we should look flawless and fit and this and that, and that's bullshit. The goal is to be proud of ourselves and love our body because it is capable of many many things. This video shows that doing sports should not only be about losing weight or getting fit, it should make everyone feel powerful and full of energy, relaxed and satisfied. This whole thing is about loving yourself more, and scream "Who the fuck cares how I look" to every person judging you or trying to kick you down :)
· 2
The point is not to care what other people think when they look at you. It's not about how you look. It's specifically about doing what you need to do without caring how you look.
+Julius Pringle That's pretty much what I said in my post. That's not what I see portrayed in the video.
Maybe it's showing women that their attitude is sexier than the looks? That their self-empowered attitude, in having their own motivation and initiative, and not shying away from the tough stuff, is sexy, regardless of the sweat or objective aesthetics of excercise (which I and many men find sexy anyway - why is this never emphasised to women?)?
· 6
+Monkeyherder3 "Maybe it's showing women that their attitude is sexier than the looks? That their self-empowered attitude, in having their own motivation and initiative, and not shying away from the tough stuff, is sexy, regardless of the sweat or objective aesthetics of excercise (which I and many men find sexy anyway" That's the thing, though; women working out aren't sexy. My thesis is, they don't need to be. Sexiness is a situational attribute. Being sexy while you work out is irrelevant, and feeling you need to be is, in my opinion, a sign of insecurity. I see a woman working out like a beast and I'm inspired in exactly the way I'm inspired by a man working out like a beast, to make my own effort better. Her gender means nothing to me in that moment. "why is this never emphasised to women?)?" Their goddamned magazines are FULL of that empowering shit! Sandwiched between advertisements that feature skinny, airbrushed and unrealistically idealized depictions of women. And you can't blame men for that, because it wouldn't be that way if women didn't buy it.
+Puddin Tame Sure I see your point - they should not have to feel like they must be sexy all the time. I'm just saying that as a man, when I do see women being inspirational (in general, and including working out like beast) then I find that attractive, rather than the size of any particular body part.
·
+Puddin Tame Nothing in the video suggests the idea that 'women are still beautiful even when they are working out.' as the target demographic for this video, I don't receive that message at all. This video is showing normal, ordinary women of all ages, ethnicities, and abilities working out for the sake of their health and wellbeing. Which, for me, is exciting. It's literally the only other ad or campaign I have seen which embraces more than just white, slim, able bodied women working out. Look at any Nike shop anywhere or any gym anywhere, they're not just in magazines. Every media outlet that modern women consume often ignore women of colour, women who fall outside a size 8-12 (NZ sizing) in clothing, and especially women with disabilities and other health issues. That means there is a serious lack of diversity in the way women are portrayed in media which can lead to harmful effects on those groups of women. To a degree, men also are also subjected to this as well, but it pales in comparison to the way it is applied to women. Companies literally pay their bills off this ideal. There's nothing wrong with being, white, slim and able bodied, but it's really nice to see a realistic campaign that celebrates and gives a variety of women a platform to celebrate being healthy and celebrate working out without the underlying message of 'you must look like this particular type of women in order to be considered beautiful'. The opening line 'i jiggle, therefore i am" completely emphasises this. Many women are made to feel that the wobbly things that happen to your body while you exercise are meant to be hidden or be ashamed of. Which is untrue! This video is encouraging women to not be afraid to let themselves jiggle or their muffin top to hang out or their makeup to run, because it doesn't matter - which is the point you are talking about. And monkeyherder3, every comment you've made under this video keeps drawing back to the sexual appeal of women and how it relates to working out. The whole point of this video is to dispel the sexual connotations that are too often put unnecessarily on women in the media: e.g. fitness ads or campaigns.
+Natassja C "Many women are made to feel that the wobbly things that happen to your body while you exercise are meant to be hidden or be ashamed of." I must call bullshit on this general line of thinking. No one, male or female, is "made to feel" anything. Every individual is responsible for their feelings. Media content is designed to illicit feelings and that sucks, but if you and I can recognize targeted propaganda, anyone can. Saying women are "made to feel" things robs them of agency and reduces them to things which are acted upon, not the actors they rightfully are. You can't claim to be simultaneously strong and empowered, and vulnerable to being emotionally played.
· 3
Natassja
+Puddin Tame I'm just going to leave this here and let it speak for itself. Please watch it. https://vimeo.com/28066212
·
+Natassja C, Watched it. 10% legitimate complaints, 90% poor-me bullshit and misinformation. No one ever achieved liberation by whining to their exploiters to "please stop."
*****
That last sentence has not left me since I read it.
It is something that is hard to hear when you are legitimately a victim, but something that I am intent on learning and inviting my daughter's to learn - victimhood is real, and trying to do mental gymnastics to pretend that each of us aren't victims of others' mistreatment leads to it's own sorts of problems, BUT so does being fixated on trying to make others protect us when they can't or won't.
Liberation comes from the satisfaction and fulfillment and meaning that comes from a life lived knowing we are doing all we can to protect ourselves from those who are hurting us. This applies generally to things like the world's sexism and oppression of women, and individually with our day to day lives and relationships.
Whatever else I agree or disagree with in that discussion, when that man wrote THIS: "No one ever achieved liberation by whining to their exploiters to "please stop."" it made me want to cross stitch and frame it in my girls' room. (Laughing again. But SRSLY.)
Okay these thoughts are totally not going to flow but again this is all I have time to throw out there and here it is. Those comments above about whether intense physical activities as shown are inherently sexual or not made me think of these parts from this interview found in it's entirety here. (I pulled out the parts that applied to sexuality as the discussion above brought up for me, but in the rest of the interview he had fascinating thoughts on depression and spirituality and religion as well.)
For Thomas Moore, author of the bestseller Care of the Soul (HarperCollins), the great malady of our time is not any disease of the body but “the loss of soul.” Although difficult to define, he says, soul is best approached through imagination and makes itself known to us instinctively; it has to do with genuineness and depth rather than transcendence, and is tied to life in its particulars: good food, sex, conversation, true friendship.
A former psychotherapist, Moore believes that mental health is not just a matter of self-help or assertiveness training. Fundamentally, it involves accepting our human foibles and everyday problems without striving for perfection. He describes his approach to life as “polytheistic” and says we must honor all the gods of our humanity — the gods of war and jealousy, as well as the gods of love and wisdom.
Moore was a Catholic monk for twelve years and has degrees in religion, theology, and musicology. His primary perspective, though, is that of archetypal psychology, a branch of psychology founded by Carl Jung and rooted not in science, but in myth and poetry, aesthetics and imagination. (Psychology and religion are, for Moore, inseparable.) The archetypal perspective, Moore contends, frees consciousness from the dry ground of literalism and seeks out the images that give rise to meaning. From this point of view, jealousy is not simply a negative feeling to eradicate, but an impulse deeply rooted in the soul. Like many of the emotions we label “negative,” it can be a “poison that heals.”
I met Moore fifteen years ago at a workshop he was leading for painters, photographers, writers, actors, and dancers wanting to explore the soul of their work. Years later, when Moore was planning a move to Massachusetts, where I live, he called me to inquire about how one gets a mortgage if one is a writer — i.e., a person without a steady income.
Moore now lives with his wife, Hanley, and their two children on a mountaintop in eastern New Hampshire. I related my memories of our previous encounters to him recently as we sat across from each other at a large wooden table in his library, an elegant, high-ceilinged, oak-paneled room modeled, he said, on the principles of the Italian philosopher Marsilio Ficino.
Since becoming a best-selling author, Moore spends about ten weeks a year giving readings, lectures, and interviews, and has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including Oprah. His newfound fame and fortune seem to bemuse him, and he retains a quiet modesty and sincerity in person.
In addition to Care of the Soul, Moore has written Soul Mates, The Re-enchantment of Everyday Life, and The Soul of Sex (all HarperCollins). He is currently completing a book on religion and the soul.
A former psychotherapist, Moore believes that mental health is not just a matter of self-help or assertiveness training. Fundamentally, it involves accepting our human foibles and everyday problems without striving for perfection. He describes his approach to life as “polytheistic” and says we must honor all the gods of our humanity — the gods of war and jealousy, as well as the gods of love and wisdom.
Moore was a Catholic monk for twelve years and has degrees in religion, theology, and musicology. His primary perspective, though, is that of archetypal psychology, a branch of psychology founded by Carl Jung and rooted not in science, but in myth and poetry, aesthetics and imagination. (Psychology and religion are, for Moore, inseparable.) The archetypal perspective, Moore contends, frees consciousness from the dry ground of literalism and seeks out the images that give rise to meaning. From this point of view, jealousy is not simply a negative feeling to eradicate, but an impulse deeply rooted in the soul. Like many of the emotions we label “negative,” it can be a “poison that heals.”
I met Moore fifteen years ago at a workshop he was leading for painters, photographers, writers, actors, and dancers wanting to explore the soul of their work. Years later, when Moore was planning a move to Massachusetts, where I live, he called me to inquire about how one gets a mortgage if one is a writer — i.e., a person without a steady income.
Moore now lives with his wife, Hanley, and their two children on a mountaintop in eastern New Hampshire. I related my memories of our previous encounters to him recently as we sat across from each other at a large wooden table in his library, an elegant, high-ceilinged, oak-paneled room modeled, he said, on the principles of the Italian philosopher Marsilio Ficino.
Since becoming a best-selling author, Moore spends about ten weeks a year giving readings, lectures, and interviews, and has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including Oprah. His newfound fame and fortune seem to bemuse him, and he retains a quiet modesty and sincerity in person.
In addition to Care of the Soul, Moore has written Soul Mates, The Re-enchantment of Everyday Life, and The Soul of Sex (all HarperCollins). He is currently completing a book on religion and the soul.
Zeiger: What is the relationship between sexuality and soul?
Moore: Soul shows itself in many aspects of life, but particularly in sex. This is because, to use the Jungian term, sex is the “archetype” of life. In sex, we are dealing intimately with such essentials as self-expression, primal relatedness to one another, and the sense of being alive.
Zeiger: In The Soul of Sex, you talk about sex as something woven into the fabric of life and the senses; you say that nurturing one’s sexuality, in the broadest sense, means living through the senses.
Moore: I do think that everything in life is sexual. All the things we do, big or small, involve the ingredients of our sexuality: body, desire, fantasy, pleasure, frustration, sensuousness, relatedness. These ingredients can, of course, be considered singly and separately, but they may be better thought of as part of a larger whole: the erotic life. For example, I’m responding to your questions now partly from a rational standpoint, but also because I take pleasure from it. I find sensuous joy in making myself clear, in relating to the public, and in choosing my words carefully. In this sense, conversation is a type of sexual act. So our sexuality is not restricted to one corner of life, but suffuses the whole.
Let me give you another example: When I was a therapist, I’d say that well over half of my clients came to me to talk about sexual issues. Now, you could say that these people just had problems with sex, but I think it was deeper than that. As we work out our sexuality, we are working out our lives. Our sexuality is, in its most complete sense, connected to the way we live, to the sensuality, pleasure, and beauty in life. All the qualities you see in sex — beauty, body, intimacy, pleasure — form the sexual dimension of our everyday life.
Zeiger: Why are Americans so mixed up about sex?
Moore: One reason is that, despite the ever-present sexual images in our culture, we don’t live very sexual lives. We repress our deeper sexuality, and when you repress something, it becomes a monster in your face. Our society is oversexed precisely because we haven’t really grappled with sex and made it our own.
We believe we’re being moral when we repress our sexuality, and are perhaps even proud of having conquered our desires. In turn, we are quick to judge others for not being so in control. Recall the unbelievable hypocrisies on display during the Clinton impeachment trial. But if we could admit to our own desires and deal honestly with our complex sexual lives, then we might be more tolerant of others as they grapple with theirs.
In addition, our lives are too fast paced and too focused on productivity. A sensuous life requires that one slow down, but we’re not willing to do that, because we tend to justify our existence through work. And look at the places where we work. Go to the fanciest office buildings in New York City. They are not sensuous. You walk into the lobby and find high ceilings, marble walls, no place to sit, no place for the body. And now, with so many of us working in front of computer screens all day, we don’t even look at each other.
We are culturally induced to find meaning in acquiring new and better gadgets and machines. As a result, we’re making our living environments more efficient and less beautiful. So many of the beautiful old buildings are being torn down. I travel a lot on book tours — Atlanta, Denver, Chicago — and as soon as I get into town, people say, “Please come help us fight to save this great old building.” All this beauty is being destroyed in favor of homogeneous boxes; you can’t even tell one building from the next. We don’t realize that, in destroying old buildings, we are also destroying our sexuality.
Zeiger: A friend of mine who teaches at a girls prep school worries about how sexualized her thirteen-year-old students are, with their revealing halter tops and tight pants. Yet they don’t know the first thing about sex. She tells me that they are unabashedly engaging in oral sex and, like Bill Clinton, saying that it’s not sex. Their bodies have become commodities that they exchange. It’s scary.
Moore: It is scary. I don’t want to reduce sexual behavior to simple explanations, but here is one thought that might speak to what you’ve described: We have created a society with many spirited entertainments but few deep pleasures. For most, work is not a pleasure, family pleasures seem to have been lost, and beauty has given way to function and profit. In this wasteland — just visit any small town and walk the strip of fast-food restaurants and gas stations — sex becomes exaggerated and problematic. It takes the place of all those other pleasures.
We don’t have the daily physical activity that people in another time had in the normal course of their lives, so sex is now our primary avenue to the body. In what other arena can those kids you describe explore their bodies and get away from the flatness of daily life? And what cultural images do they have to help them deepen their sexuality: Movies full of symptomatic sexuality? Television programs about the extremes of sexual behavior? Songs that take sex to its painful limits?
Zeiger: You emphasize the importance of marriage, family, and kids as the arena in which we work out our lives.
Moore: It seems to me that marriage is a holy state. It’s never easy, but it polishes away our narcissism and deepens our capacity to love. Living with and caring for children does the same. Children are very demanding, but they give us remarkable perspectives on all aspects of life.
That is not to say, however, that the single, childless life is soulless. I’ve been a celibate monk, I’ve been single, I’ve been married, and I’ve gone through divorce. I’m a father and a stepfather. All these ways of life are full of soul. I focus particularly on marriage because marital sex is often felt to be limited and not as exciting as nonmarital sex. To me, sex in marriage can be particularly intense, valuable, and satisfying because it can bring the whole of life together, whereas, when engaging in sex with a relative stranger, one tends to separate one’s heart and emotions from the lovemaking. It is in long-term relationships — marriage and family and children — that we really work out our lives.
*************
Really, I guess all I want to say is that what I hope for my daughters as they grow into sexual beings is that they are aware that our culture will try to offer them a very shallow version of sexuality.
I want to tell them that the only way to find liberation from this kind of sexuality (or any other mistreatment or lie) is to realize that being a victim doesn't have to be the end of your story. You are powerful even in your victimhood when you let yourself find the goodness that will also be around you.
Every human being will be hurt by, exploitation is real. So is your power. You'll know that power when you feel the goodness that comes from giving to yourself and others. Today I showed you an example of this in a video of women working hard to give to themselves and others in sports or exercise. I told you that what I saw in that example is that giving when it would be easier to quit is always painful, but it is our only power.
Someday when you're older I will show you this example too.
Moore: Soul shows itself in many aspects of life, but particularly in sex. This is because, to use the Jungian term, sex is the “archetype” of life. In sex, we are dealing intimately with such essentials as self-expression, primal relatedness to one another, and the sense of being alive.
Zeiger: In The Soul of Sex, you talk about sex as something woven into the fabric of life and the senses; you say that nurturing one’s sexuality, in the broadest sense, means living through the senses.
Moore: I do think that everything in life is sexual. All the things we do, big or small, involve the ingredients of our sexuality: body, desire, fantasy, pleasure, frustration, sensuousness, relatedness. These ingredients can, of course, be considered singly and separately, but they may be better thought of as part of a larger whole: the erotic life. For example, I’m responding to your questions now partly from a rational standpoint, but also because I take pleasure from it. I find sensuous joy in making myself clear, in relating to the public, and in choosing my words carefully. In this sense, conversation is a type of sexual act. So our sexuality is not restricted to one corner of life, but suffuses the whole.
Let me give you another example: When I was a therapist, I’d say that well over half of my clients came to me to talk about sexual issues. Now, you could say that these people just had problems with sex, but I think it was deeper than that. As we work out our sexuality, we are working out our lives. Our sexuality is, in its most complete sense, connected to the way we live, to the sensuality, pleasure, and beauty in life. All the qualities you see in sex — beauty, body, intimacy, pleasure — form the sexual dimension of our everyday life.
Zeiger: Why are Americans so mixed up about sex?
Moore: One reason is that, despite the ever-present sexual images in our culture, we don’t live very sexual lives. We repress our deeper sexuality, and when you repress something, it becomes a monster in your face. Our society is oversexed precisely because we haven’t really grappled with sex and made it our own.
We believe we’re being moral when we repress our sexuality, and are perhaps even proud of having conquered our desires. In turn, we are quick to judge others for not being so in control. Recall the unbelievable hypocrisies on display during the Clinton impeachment trial. But if we could admit to our own desires and deal honestly with our complex sexual lives, then we might be more tolerant of others as they grapple with theirs.
In addition, our lives are too fast paced and too focused on productivity. A sensuous life requires that one slow down, but we’re not willing to do that, because we tend to justify our existence through work. And look at the places where we work. Go to the fanciest office buildings in New York City. They are not sensuous. You walk into the lobby and find high ceilings, marble walls, no place to sit, no place for the body. And now, with so many of us working in front of computer screens all day, we don’t even look at each other.
We are culturally induced to find meaning in acquiring new and better gadgets and machines. As a result, we’re making our living environments more efficient and less beautiful. So many of the beautiful old buildings are being torn down. I travel a lot on book tours — Atlanta, Denver, Chicago — and as soon as I get into town, people say, “Please come help us fight to save this great old building.” All this beauty is being destroyed in favor of homogeneous boxes; you can’t even tell one building from the next. We don’t realize that, in destroying old buildings, we are also destroying our sexuality.
Zeiger: A friend of mine who teaches at a girls prep school worries about how sexualized her thirteen-year-old students are, with their revealing halter tops and tight pants. Yet they don’t know the first thing about sex. She tells me that they are unabashedly engaging in oral sex and, like Bill Clinton, saying that it’s not sex. Their bodies have become commodities that they exchange. It’s scary.
Moore: It is scary. I don’t want to reduce sexual behavior to simple explanations, but here is one thought that might speak to what you’ve described: We have created a society with many spirited entertainments but few deep pleasures. For most, work is not a pleasure, family pleasures seem to have been lost, and beauty has given way to function and profit. In this wasteland — just visit any small town and walk the strip of fast-food restaurants and gas stations — sex becomes exaggerated and problematic. It takes the place of all those other pleasures.
We don’t have the daily physical activity that people in another time had in the normal course of their lives, so sex is now our primary avenue to the body. In what other arena can those kids you describe explore their bodies and get away from the flatness of daily life? And what cultural images do they have to help them deepen their sexuality: Movies full of symptomatic sexuality? Television programs about the extremes of sexual behavior? Songs that take sex to its painful limits?
Zeiger: You emphasize the importance of marriage, family, and kids as the arena in which we work out our lives.
Moore: It seems to me that marriage is a holy state. It’s never easy, but it polishes away our narcissism and deepens our capacity to love. Living with and caring for children does the same. Children are very demanding, but they give us remarkable perspectives on all aspects of life.
That is not to say, however, that the single, childless life is soulless. I’ve been a celibate monk, I’ve been single, I’ve been married, and I’ve gone through divorce. I’m a father and a stepfather. All these ways of life are full of soul. I focus particularly on marriage because marital sex is often felt to be limited and not as exciting as nonmarital sex. To me, sex in marriage can be particularly intense, valuable, and satisfying because it can bring the whole of life together, whereas, when engaging in sex with a relative stranger, one tends to separate one’s heart and emotions from the lovemaking. It is in long-term relationships — marriage and family and children — that we really work out our lives.
*************
Really, I guess all I want to say is that what I hope for my daughters as they grow into sexual beings is that they are aware that our culture will try to offer them a very shallow version of sexuality.
I want to tell them that the only way to find liberation from this kind of sexuality (or any other mistreatment or lie) is to realize that being a victim doesn't have to be the end of your story. You are powerful even in your victimhood when you let yourself find the goodness that will also be around you.
Every human being will be hurt by, exploitation is real. So is your power. You'll know that power when you feel the goodness that comes from giving to yourself and others. Today I showed you an example of this in a video of women working hard to give to themselves and others in sports or exercise. I told you that what I saw in that example is that giving when it would be easier to quit is always painful, but it is our only power.
Someday when you're older I will show you this example too.
No comments:
Post a Comment