I love people

This: http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2015/06/12/the-science-behind-high-powered-women-leaving-their-careers/

And then these comments:

P,
I think this is what you miss in all these posts about women quitting work. All of your arguments here could be applied to fathers. I think a ton of Dads look back at their kid’s childhoods and wish they could have been there more. Its just more socially acceptable for women to quit work for the kids than men.
Women and men wish they could quit their jobs to be there for their kids. Someone needs to earn money – now what? I wish we could start from there – not just assume that current gender roles are the solution.

Posted by Rachel on June 12, 2015 at 1:15 pm | permalink | Reply

For me it’s taking a hard look at the assumptions of how we have to live. Start there.

Do we need a lifestyle that costs $$$ or can we achieve same results with less? What about joy? Can we draw the same amount of joy with a less costly lifestyle? What about quality of joy? What brings the deep long lasting joy versus the fleeting thrill of a superficial purchase?

We spent about $120 to get stuff for a barbecue for my birthday on May 31. My brothers and their girlfriends, my parents, our babies, and a mini bonfire were it. It’s been 13 days since then. I still feel a little high from the bliss I felt by sitting under the weeping willow wrapped up in a poncho staring in the fire while I talked to my soon-to-be sister-in-law.

$120 well spent.

We are a super low income family. We’ve earned many times more in the past. We have been as happy and as stressed.

We have traveled quite a bit and seeing people live their lives differently and with different philosophies has helped us tremendously.

I’ll tell you that we can make it, barely, but we could make it by my husband working part time and me working part time. Wouldn’t that be something?

We can't make friends with high spenders because we can’t keep their pace of happy hours and expensive trips at the drop of a hat. But we have our tribe. And believe me, as I type this my chubby little 8 month old asleep on me, I feel blissful. Earlier today I was fuming, mad at my husband. None of these are money related things. They’re people and weather related things.

Posted by Karelys on June 14, 2015 at 12:19 am | permalink | Reply

I think part of the reason is that kids get more interesting and fun to spend time with as they get older. Infants require tons of physical work and drudgery. Toddlers are complete terrors. So to pawn off those first few years on daycare is appealing. I have a 1-year old and a 3-year old and work full time. I’m trying to manage my career so I can take it down a notch as they get older so I can spend more time with them.

Posted by Andrea on June 12, 2015 at 10:14 am | permalink | Reply

There is the third option: no high-powered career and no kids. There are more options than A and B. I would not want young women out there thinking they have to choose between a high-powered career or having kids, if you do neither you are still a worthy human being.

Posted by Jennifa on June 12, 2015 at 10:51 am | permalink | Reply

I agree with you. There so many shades of grey between high-powered-career and no-job. As they are between no-kids and 20-kids. Statistics and generalisations exist so the scientists can be busy with something, not that I should live my life according to them.

Posted by Laura on June 12, 2015 at 12:11 pm | permalink | Reply

I think you are discounting how much that message has been twisted to imply that having kids is a stupid thing to do. They ruin your career, wreck your body, and add unbelievable stress to your life. I was born in 1981 and this is pretty much what people in my socio-economic class were raised to believe.

I finally realized that was bullshit and that I have a right to have a kid and that it’s not stupid to respond to my biological imperative. Penelope’s posts provide practical advice for how to get it done, as well as the necessary reminders that it’s impossible to have a high-powered career and kids without gobs and gobs of money. But that’s okay. You can still have a good life.

Posted by Melissa on June 12, 2015 at 5:06 pm | permalink | Reply

You have summarized this crazy dissonance I feel about having kids. I adore them. Yes infants and toddlers are so much work but it’s not like it was unexpected. So why do I feel like I made the “uncool decision “?

I spent my first sixteen years of life in a culture that celebrates having children. Now, I’ve lived eleven years in America and there’s a different message. I couldn’t put my finger on it but yes, children are treated like a pest.

It’s so odd.

Once you have them and if you have money then there’s almost like a child-worship thing going and everything revolves around the child.

I’m having a hard time forging my own idea of what’s success and good parenting and a good family because I have to dig deep into my assumptions and know whether they are my true desires or just voices from my cultures. I feel like I get whiplash sometimes. But here we are trucking along.

My children are the bomb though. And in this sea of american culture voices I feel like I made a great decision by moving right next door to my mom where we can live life more in line with my original culture and just…rejoice in these early years when everything is difficult and funny and they’re chubby and cuddly and sweet.

I really like you Melissa.

Posted by Karelys on June 14, 2015 at 12:08 am | permalink | Reply