This was great

http://drkellyflanagan.com/2015/01/14/the-unspoken-reason-for-every-failed-new-years-resolution/#more-3213

"Our New Year’s Resolutions don’t fail because we lack willpower. They fail because we have too much willpower. They fail because the thing we want most is the thing we never say aloud…

...Most therapy clients want to change.

And most therapy clients don’t want to change.

When I supervise a young therapist and tell them this, it can come as a bit of shock at first. After all, clients come to therapy of their own volition, take time out of a busy schedule, pay good money to be there, and express a desire to change in very specific ways. It seems like a green light for mutual collaboration. And it is.

For one part of the client.

But no human being is monolithic. We all have competing interests and desires. While one part of us has goals for personal growth, another part of us has questions:

What is the cost of changing?

If I really get quiet, will I be able to handle all the loneliness that rises up in me?

If I truly get healthy, will I still want to stay married?

If I start using my voice, will my friends still want to be with me?

If I finally get a job and move out, will I still have a place to come home to?

If I set better boundaries with my kids, will they love me less?

If I’m no longer depressed, will everyone stop taking care of me and stop caring about me?

If I change this about me, how will it affect us?

If I change this one small thing, what cascade of change will it trigger?

Do I want that much change?

The job of a therapist is not to force change, but to make space for the reasons we don’t want to change. The job of a therapist is to ask questions, too. Questions like: What is the benefit of not changing? What old things will be lost if new things are found? The job of a therapist is not to love the part of a client that wants to change and shame the rest of the client into compliance.

The job of a therapist is to welcome both parts into the light.

Maybe that’s the job of a dad, too.

...This year, instead of being hard on ourselves, maybe we can have a little compassion for ourselves. Maybe we can embrace the part of us that wants to change and the part of us that is afraid to change. Maybe then, even our failed resolutions will be the beginning of something new and good and beautiful."

Are we safe?

 After my EMDR session with Carol I found some ideas to help Joan "digest" her own memories of cutting her pinkie off. I sat down with her this week while Verity napped and Sophia was at school and asked what she remembered from the accident, and we went through the whole thing together. She smiled and spoke matter of factly through the whole thing. I said, "Lets draw what we want to remember about that hard time that we had." First she asked for a black, red and "skin color" crayon and I thought I was in for a bloody pic but then she stared at the paper for awhile and said, "Nahh I just want to watch you draw yours." Cracked me up. So here was mine. That is me hugging her inside of a heart and I told her I drew it that way because I wanted to remember that even during our hardest times we can feel safe if we reach out to each other and hold each other close.

 

And then per the "helping children's brain process traumatic memories" advice that I read, we took turns clapping our hand on each leg while we chanted in time to our left and right rhythm, "We are safe! We are safe!" She just loved the whole thing. Ate it up. Didn't grimace or avoid any of the talk about the paper cutter cutting her finger or blood everywhere or me yelling or doctors stitching her up or IV's with morphine. Nope she just rolled with it and then chanted, "We are safe!" with all her little heart.  I put the picture up on the fridge and we went on our way.  

When we sat down for dinner that night Sophia glanced over at the fridge and did a double take. "What? WHO wrote that!? Why did someone put that up there??", she demanded. And then she jumped off her chair and turned it over so we couldn't see it anymore. I was like, "Umm I did. I wrote it 'cause Joan and I were talking about when she cut her pinkie off and remembering that we can feel safe even during scary things if we reach out for each other...why?" And Sophia says, "Because it makes me think of monsters and robbers and...it DOES NOT make me feel safe, it reminds me that there are scary, bad things that make me feel NOT safe! I don't want it up there ever again."

It also made me think of these first eight minutes from this webinar starting at minute 3:00 and going to 11:48. http://carriecontey.com/intentionalparentingwebinar (p.s. up to the 38 minute mark is all incredibly helpful if you have time to listen to more!)

This science that she was trying to explain - that children come to us already who they are, but that the wiring process of their brains happens in relationship with their caregivers in childhood was so well explained by her. It made me think of a definition for what good parenting is that I heard once,

 "...the extent to which a parent responds to a child's signals appropriately and promptly, is positively involved during interactions with the child, and provides a secure base for the child's exploration of the environment."

That moment when Sophia freaked out about the "We are safe" picture just about summed up Sophia's temperament for me from day three of her life on. From her infancy that included screaming for hours, intense separation anxiety until three years old, the year of her toddlerhood that she had a regular bruise on her forehead from banging her head on the ground during near hour long tantrums, the rages she gets into now when she is confronted with loss or difficult emotions in herself.

I spent almost the entire last session with my therapist talking about Sophia. About how at every stage of life I have observed these kinds of descriptors about how secure she feels in the world: feels all emotions deeply, easily overwhelmed, hyper vigilant, sensitive, difficulty learning self-soothing, feels attacked or threatened by difficult emotions or circumstances, and underdeveloped nervous system. And I told Barbara I am done sitting around hoping her problems will just work themselves out. I liked how M. Scott Peck put it,

"...There is much that parents can do to assist their children in this maturation process. Opportunities present themselves thousands of times while children are growing up when parents can either confront them with their tendency to avoid or escape responsibility for their own actions or can reassure them that certain situation are not their fault. But to seize these opportunities, as I have said, requires of parents sensitivity to their children's needs and the willingness to take the time and make the often uncomfortable effort to meet these needs. And this in turn requires love and the willingness to assume appropriate responsibility for the enhancement of their children's growth."

And,

"Parents are executives, and despite the fact that they are usually ill-prepared for it, their task can be every bit as complex as directing a company or corporation. And like the army executives, most parents will perceive problems in their children or in their relationship with their children for months or years before they take any effective action, if they ever do. "We thought maybe he would grow out of it," the parents say as they come to the child psychiatrist with a problem of five years' duration. And with respect for the complexity of parenting, it must be said that parental decisions are difficult, and that children often do "grow out of it." But it almost never hurts to try to help them grow out of it or to look more closely at the problem. And while children often "grow out of it," often they do not; and as with so many problems, the longer children's problems are ignored, the larger they become and the more painful and difficult to solve.

 

So this is where I'm at. I am learning that problems thrive in shame and secrecy. I am committed to living out a life that seeks the opposite. On Thursday I took Sophia for an intake to get her a therapist. In the most truthful and developmentally appropriate way possible I want to help Sophia understand this about her difficulty with feeling safe in the world:

 

 

 

As I once heard someone in the helping profession say, "The truth is we have to teach people how to live with their anxiety. The truth is there is no security."

 

I want her to know that some people through no fault of their own feel more of that that anxiety and less of that security than others of us.

 

And that these truths are the other side of that coin when we face her genetic, biological constitution that she will carry with her the entirety of her life:

 

As was preached in last session of General Conference:

 

"Acknowledge and face your weaknesses, but don’t be immobilized by them, because some of them will be your companions until you depart this earth life. No matter what your current status, the very moment you voluntarily choose honest, joyful, daily repentance by striving to simply do and be your very best, the Savior’s Atonement envelops and follows you, as it were, wherever you go."

- Elder Jorg Klebingat

Said another way by a therapist friend:

 

"One of the fallacies we all tend to buy into is that we "are" a type of person. In reality we exist in a range of possibilities. We have the capability to be great and horrible within the spectrum of who we are."

 

Or, said in a way that made me print it out for my fridge:

"The sea can do craziness, it can do smooth, it can lie down like silk breathing, or toss havoc shoreward; it can give gifts or withhold all; it can rise, ebb, froth like an incoming frenzy of fountains, or it can sweet-talk entirely. As can I, too, and so, no doubt, can you, and you."

— Mary Oliver

 

This is what I can throw myself 100% behind. This is what I will never give up on. I will never give up believing in and seeking out hope, change, growth, love, and healing.  

 

Dear Sophia,

 

Life is often hard and scary. It is natural to feel like hiding in the face of injustice and undeserved pain. But watch the sea with me. If the sea never stops its waves of changes, then no doubt, I can and you can. All we have to do is never stop reaching out to each other.

 

 

 

 

Life is difficult

I'm reading The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck and it is seriously changing my life.  I rave about it to myself or anyone who will listen every chance I get. This is the first page of the book:

"Life is difficult.

This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult--once we truly understand and accept it--then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.

Most do not fully see this truth, that life is difficult. Instead they moan more or less incessantly, noisily or subtly, about the enormity of their problems, their burdens, and their difficulties as if life were generally easy, as if life should be easy. They voice their belief, noisily or subtly, that their difficulties represent a unique kind of affliction that should not be and that has somehow been especially visited upon them, or else upon their families, their tribe, their class, their nation, their race, or even their species, and not upon others. I know about this moaning because I have done my share.

Life is a series of problems. Do we want to moan about them or solve them? Do we want to teach our children to solve them?

What makes life difficult is that the process of confronting and solving problems is a painful one. Problems, depending upon their nature, evoke in us frustration of grief or sadness or loneliness or guilt or regret or anger or fear or anxiety or anguish or despair. These are uncomfortable feelings, often very uncomfortable, often as painful as any kind of physical pain, sometimes equaling the very worst kind of physical pain. Indeed, it is because of the pain that events or conflicts engender in us all that we can call them problems. And since life poses an endless series of problems, life is always difficult and is full of pain as well as joy.

Yet it is in this whole process of meeting and solving problems that life has its meaning. Problems are the cutting edge that distinguishes between success and failure. Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom; indeed, they create our courage and our wisdom. It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually. When we desire to encourage the growth of the human spirit, we challenge and encourage the human capacity to solve problems, just as in school we deliberately set problems for our children to solve. It is through the pain of confronting and resolving that we learn. As Benjamin Franklin said, "Those things that hurt, instruct." It is for this reason that wise people learn not to dread but actually to welcome problems and actually to welcome the pain of problems."

And then later he writes:

"Delaying gratification is a process of scheduling the pain and pleasure of life in such a way as to enhance the pleasure by meeting and experiencing the pain first and getting it over with. It is the only decent way to live." 

Those ideas combined with this post that starts like this have really shifted something in my head for me:

“When I was thirty five, I looked up one day and realized that I hadn’t had a life. … I had a hint of what I’d been missing. Laundry. And not just laundry, but what laundry gives us: an honest encounter with ourselves before we’re freshened and fluffed and sanitized. Before we have ourselves put together again.” – Karen Maezen Miller

When I quit my job to work at home, I was perplexed by the chores that swelled up to fill my every waking moment. “I can be on my feet every second, never stopping, and still the house is a disaster,” another mom lamented to me. I nodded. My boys are gifted at making messes. Recently, when I left the room for thirty seconds, they managed to cover every inch of the living room with a couple of board games — tiny tokens and piles of cards and fake money strewn everywhere. When I first started at this mothering thing, it was tempting to dream about hiring a housekeeper or paring down our wardrobes to two pairs each or replacing all of the dishes with disposables. But soon I realized that the chores were like any other problem. What they needed was my attention.

My feelings about the daily chores have transformed remarkably over the years. They’re messy and monotonous and always there like a gnat buzzing around your head. But as Karen Maezen Miller so beautifully points out in Hand Wash Cold, they are life. And they are incredible life coaches. It would be silly to trek across the world in search of the meaning of it all or to hire an expensive life coach when we can likely find all of the answers we need right here in the dishes and laundry."

It's like a switch has been flipped in my mind. I've always known I had a problem with procrastination, but I just kind of chalked it up as "me", not really a flaw, just how I was. I remember being little and avoiding cleaning my room at all costs, or being in college and thinking, "Well, it'll sure be great to get out of school where it won't matter as much that I'm a procrastinator!" Makes me laugh, but seriously I really did think that! And it's carried over into my adult life - I would rather read and write than do the dishes, nothing wrong with that, just how I was wired, we each have our strengths and weaknesses, right? But to hear it put like that,

"Delaying gratification is a process of scheduling the pain and pleasure of life in such a way as to enhance the pleasure by meeting and experiencing the pain first and getting it over with. It is the only decent way to live."

It just made so much sense. This is a skill I can choose to learn and if I choose to learn it it will make my life so much better? Of course! Geez, what have I been doing all these years?

And so I've started to look around my house and ask myself, "What of these top three chores that need to be done do I least want to do?" And then I march myself over and purposely start that one first.

It's changed how I talk to the girls too. I have started bringing it up in conversation whenever I can, and speaking of it like that, like it is a skill that we can choose to practice and get better at and being really matter of fact about it, "Sophia, do you know what skill will most decide how good of a life you'll have? Of aaaaaaaallllll the things the skills out there that make life good do you know what will help you the most to like your life? It's how well you learn to choose the hardest thing first. Every time something hard comes in front of you you have two choices: face it or distract yourself from it. If you learn how to face the hard things instead of ignore them or run away from them, then you'll feel soooooo much better because your problems will get solved! It's that awesome! Solving problems instead of them always being there, weighing you down like rocks in your backpack!?" I ask them what is hard for them to face right now? What problems at school or home or in their heart or with friends do they try to avoid? It is one of my favorite conversations lately, listening to their perspectives on their life in this way.

But I'm not saying I think talking about it with them is the key to helping them learn it, 'cause I really do believe this too:

“All I am saying ... can be summed up in two words: Trust Children. Nothing could be more simple, or more difficult. Difficult because to trust children we must first learn to trust ourselves, and most of us were taught as children that we could not be trusted.” ~ John Holt

When I'm reading these simple lines like, "Life is a series of problems. Do we want to moan about them or solve them?" I feel like a little kid in a classroom on the edge of my seat waving my hand in the air like, "Pick me, pick me M. Scott Peck, I want to solve them! Yes! Solve. Them. I'm ready for the decent way to live, thank you so much for asking!" Trusting myself to be able to learn even the things I'd really rather never think about.

Have I mentioned I really like this book? The number one rated review on Amazon for it cracked me up!

445 of 468 people found the following review helpful

Good Book

By A Customer on November 11, 2000

"I am a therapist. The two books I recommend to my clients that seem to produced lasting results are The Road Less Traveled and An Encouter With A Prophet. I also recommend both books to all of my friends and relatives."

It's just so true.

It makes you fearless

"After her daughter, then 23, disappeared 12 years ago, the likely victim of sex traffickers, Susana Trimarco began a search for justice that continues to this day. She has also helped numerous others in the process, becoming a guardian to 129 survivors of sex trafficking and helping to make sex trafficking part of Argentina's national agenda. For her trouble, Susana has had her house set on fire and has twice escaped being run over. But she will not give up. 'The desperation of a mother blinds you,' she said. 'It makes you fearless.'" - via Half the Sky

This makes me want to start journaling by hand instead

"The benefits of handwriting — though it's a disappearing skill — have been documented by lots of educational psychologists, who have found that handwriting engages parts of the brain that typing neglects, especially areas associated with memory formation. For these reasons, the arguments go, kids come up with more ideas when they're writing in cursive versus typing.

So, as French psychologist Stanislas Dehaene told The New York Times, you may want to step away from the keyboard.

"When we write, a unique neural circuit is automatically activated," he said. "There is a core recognition of the gesture in the written word, a sort of recognition by mental simulation in your brain, it seems that this circuit is contributing in unique ways we didn't realize.”

The result?

"Learning is made easier," he concluded.


Read more: http://www.businessinsider.com/handwriting-helps-you-learn-2014-12#ixzz3PwOaA1m7

Is the cause of addiction simple?

When a girlfriend posted this article last week I had wildly conflicted feelings after reading it. Luckily for me I have insightful friends and got to sit back and read their super thoughtful responses (or responses they found elsewhere).

The original post:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/the-real-cause-of-addicti_b_6506936.html

Responses from round the web:


***

"...I also found out that it's easier to quit substance abuse than inner thought demons borne out of habit or choices like gossip, self righteousness, greed, lust.... THAT is the real addiction that ought to be dealt with! Usually, people who practice those self indulgences call themselves 'sober' ... gosh, the lives they destroy unwittingly, ill fated by denial. Substance abuse/pain pills is not too far for these people."

****

"If you still believe, as I used to, that addiction is caused by chemical hooks, this makes no sense. "
 Actually, this makes perfect sense. In the end, joy and contentedness boil down to a defined set of neurotransmitters. If you can get them from non-drug sources, you can get them from non-drug sources. If you can't, you are very ready to get them from drug sources.

However, you can also use drugs in such a fashion that you get so many "positive feeling" neurotransmitters that it's tough to adjust to a normal life again because you are used to over-stimulation. So if drug users can, in fact, simply return to normal life in a normal environment will depend quite a bit on case by case specifics."

****
This article is scapegoating by also blaming whatever normal people may be in the life of the addict.
The fact is, even the above statement "addiction is an adaptation. It's not you: it's your cage" is purely illogical and pseudoscientific. We're physical beings. The above statement uses the word 'adaptation'. This means the clever among you should be asking, "What adapted to what?" Answer: the brain to its environment. It is the essence of mental illnesses, including addiction, that the brain is not adapting to its environment properly! So stop this childish attempt to redefine words to suit the agenda of the exploiters. It IS you, and you need help. The second you think it's your "cage", you are emphatically delusional and addicted. This entire article simply reinforces common psychotic delusions often induced by substance abuse, and what a shame if victims read it."

**** 

"Interesting article. Thanks for sharing. It reminded me of a time when I met with a board of educators about where my younger brother should go to school. They wanted to send him to a truancy school and I tried to argue that he should go to a regular school. My argument was that if you send a truant to a truancy school the people they meet will be those already dealing with bad habits, and they will just influence him to do more of the same. It didn't work. I guess the fear of "bad tempting good" was to high. It was B.S. and I definitely think that there should be better systems in play to help addicts. I actually think there are a lot, but they are pricey, and to be honest a person doesn't recover unless they want to no matter how much love and support they are given. It takes a lot of work and in my experience some people don't want to do the work. I also had a problem with the definition, or lack of it, of love. Love doesn't mean you allow an addict to hurt you over and over. Love includes not allowing someone to hurt you. Because when they hurt you they are also hurting themselves. It also neglected to mention the people who grow up in "perfect" supported environments and still end up as addicts... according to the article that is an unexplained phenomenon."

****

"Nicotine has a half life of only two hours, so using something like a patch only extends our withdrawal period.. you face withdrawal instantly when you stop smoking, so every time you take even the smallest dose of nicotine, you are restarting that cycle. "Phasing down nicotine exposure" is one of the most stressful and least effective ways to quit smoking, they aren't designed for you to quit though, being made by Cigarette manufacturers, they know that extending the duration of your withdrawal period and addiction reduces your odds of actually becoming freed from it."

****

"I can assure you as a smoker who quit that nicotine is the least of the addictive substances in cigarettes. Vapor cigs simply don't produce the same urges as cigarettes. A real cigarette tastes of nothing but chemicals after you stop smoking for a while. I've decided they purposely add the chemicals to cigarettes to get people addicted, there's simply no other reason to add arsenic and such to them. Arsenic, for example, was used in the 1800's as a cocaine type drug and is highly addictive."

****
"All this is is an article pushing Bruce Alexander's "Rat Park" claims. There's a reason why his studies were rejected for publication by both Science and Nature and he eventually published it in the Psychopharmacology journal, which is largely considered to be pseudoscientific crap.

There were a number of flaws with his studies and he was not backed up by later experimentation, no matter what he and his little group of people continually claim. They're just like any other pseudoscience group, pushing the handful of crap studies they have against the overall scientific consensus."

****
"Fascinating article. I think the author's main points are right. Addiction is an intimacy disorder. That doesn't mean that someone who suffers from addiction doesn't have an emotionally available or loving spouse or that they didn't have emotionally available or loving parents/families, but it does mean that for some reason they didn't learn how to emotionally attach and receive love from their main attachments. I've also been taught that although connection and love is necessary, in some way, to heal addiction, what the author doesn't address is the necessity to keep yourselves safe, set healthy boundaries, from the damaging nature and abuse that is caused by someone suffering from addiction. Sometimes demonstrating self love, which contains self worth and self respect, is the best way to also show love for someone suffering from addiction. So, ultimately I believe that his basics are generally true but an addiction can't be healed by love alone.

The bottom line is- if you or someone you love is suffering from an addiction, reach out, get support.

You deserve it.

****

"There's so much about this article that is flat-out incorrect that it's difficult to know where to begin, so I'll just touch on three points:

First, the statement that "loads of people should leave hospital and try to score smack on the streets, to meet their habit. But here's the strange thing. It virtually never happens" is simply nonsensical. My hometown of Staten Island, New York, is currently plagued with an epidemic of heroin overdoses, from people who became addicted to opiate painkillers while undergoing medical treatment, and then turned to street heroin when their prescriptions ended, rather than face withdrawal. There have been quite a few newspaper articles on the topic if the author would care to look.

Second, there most certainly are chemical hooks at a craps table: the endorphin rush produced by risk-taking. To disregard this is to willfully ignore an inconvenient fact that doesn't fit the author's thesis.

Third, I can speak from personal experience that while the nicotine patch is useful for overcoming the psychological components of smoking, the person trying to quit will experience the same physical withdrawal from nicotine when they discontinue the patch as if they had quit smoking cold turkey without it. I was able to get through it, and have been smoke-free for 20 years, but don't try to tell me that physical addiction is "only a minor part of a much bigger picture"; it's *by far* the largest component.

****

"This article is extremely frustrating to me, as someone with a LOT of first hand experience with addicts. There is a huge difference between addiction and drug dependency/drug abuse. We already know the cause of addiction, and it is not what this article states. Addiction is a genetic disease of the prefrontal cortex. Simply put this means the inability of the brain to make proper moral decisions. Addiction manifests itself in behaviors and thought processes and is passed down through generations as unhealthy behavior is reflected onto children. Addiction can be activated by outside events, but the fact of the matter is that no matter how loved an addict is or how happy their environment may be, an addict will only maintain true sobriety if he fixes his own behavior. If you dare to question me, spend as much time as I have at AA, Al-Anon, ACOA, and various medical center programs and you won't have any more questions. I recommend the DVD "Pleasure Unwoven" for an excellent scientific explanation of addiction."

****

I think I've figured out why I'm so angry about this post. It's because I completely agree with him about social services response - that our government should put addicts in rehab not prison. As a society we should agree that the most helpful way to decrease drug addiction is to offer therapy and rehab to anyone who wants it.

But instead of using all his time and effort toward that end the author instead created an overly simplistic, feel good piece that would sell his book and get shared like crazy on social media. If this author really dived into all things addiction he would know it is not simple like he's made it out to be. Like how he spoke of the heroin addicts and rat park and the patch as so clear cut when each of these examples are fraught with controversy and evidence to the opposite. HE HAD TO KNOW THESE THINGS AREN'T SIMPLE. Which made me think he went this route anyway for the money. "If you want to see citations for assertions made in the article, buy my book?" Makes sense, since selling the book appears to be highest on his list of goals. Which pisses me off because he had some really great insight that is now going to hurt as many as it helps. If you really want to help addicts, then call it like it is - a complex brain disease with genetic and neurological components, an element of choice, and often a good helping of trauma or neglect. I agree, Johann, "the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, but connection." Since you understand that, it makes your click-bait premise even more offensive to those whose loved ones don't get better. To end like that:
"We should have been singing our addicts love songs all along"?

F*** you, you "addiction expert", I loved my addict all the way to her grave. You know what might help others not have to do the same?

Ethical journalism.

****

"This is shaky ground, at best. I am, as some would define, an addict. Alcohol, several "hard" drugs, even cigarettes have all had their hooks in me. Only a supreme commitment to not drink and use keeps me falling back in that hole. I'm not talking about an agreement I made with myself to quit, I'm talking a 24 hour, nonstop vigilance I can never give up. I can taste that next smoke, that next drink, that next high, every waking second, even after so many years, and the pull to give in to those yearnings is always with me.

I have had my highs and lows, like everyone. I've been social and I've been solitary. I've been comfortable and I've been homeless. None of this mattered when I was drinking. Only the next drink and the shame of not being able to control myself.

As for Vietnam and the heroin use, my personal opinion is those people were not addicts, they were using recreationally and when it was no longer available, and possibly not needed as a coping mechanism, they just quit, like most people can go and have a couple drinks after work then stop and go home. Addicts can't "just quit". The compulsion to get that feeling again is too strong.

I am going to look into these studies further, but I can tell you from MY personal experience that nothing I read here comes close to describing true addiction, and it scares me that something like this can get traction when there are thousands in need of real help, not social psychobabble."

****
"It reads like someone who is desperately trying to figure out "why" and unhappy with the answers and so he creates his own feel-good answer because the truth is too complicated."

****

"Here's my take, it is simplistic to say that love fixes everything. Far too many parents have loved their children implicitly, and they have still ended up as addicts, far too many spouses have been loved unconditionally and still been drunks and addicts - far too many parents have been loved by their children and yet they are incapable of accepting that love - human connection can only happen when the reasons that the addiction is necessary are out of the way and the addict is refraining from using the substance that keeps human connection at bay. The steps help us to figure out how to reconnect with other humans - the addiction is in the way of that - it's not other people connecting with me, it is me having the ability to connect with them - and a higher power - I can love or be loved as much as either I or another is capable. When I was in the throes of my addictions I had no capacity to be loved, love myself...

His naivete regarding chemical hooks saddens me - the chemicals are in my body - it is the rush I receive from even thinking about my addiction and planning a binge. Yes, some addictions do add their own chemical highs, but it is enough to have my body crave and respond to its own chemical concoction that feeds my addiction.

I find far too often these "new evidences about addiction" are just ways to keep people from having to work the steps and have a relationship with a power greater than they are. So much of this is beautiful, but the underlying problem is not that addicts need more love and connection - it's that they need to understand why they can't and clearing things out of the way so they can, and keeping them clear so they don't relapse. It's work people, plain old hard work. It's not easy, but it is simple. I would challenge his main thesis, and yes, far too many addicts think that the opposite of addiction is sobriety - it's not. That isn't recovery. The opposite of addiction is serenity - and that allows me to connect on all levels of my being - physical, emotional and spiritual."

Amen

A thank you to FaceBook for introducing me to Anne Lamott and some random woman named Asha:

"Let's settle this God thing once and for all.

God, or no God?

Who on earth knows?

Any proof, either way?

None, except for Bach, foxes, forgiveness, elephants, bulbs and my dog Lily, may she rest in peace. Also, the fact that someone like me could have 28 years without alcohol or the non-habit-forming marijuana I smoked on a daily basis for 15 years. Also, ripe peaches, books, and Mr. Rogers.

There is Infinite good and beauty and heroism and artistic genius everywhere we look. Is this proof of God?

No, because there is also infinite evil and madness. I am not going to name names.

What do we even mean when we use the word "God?"

For the sake of argument, let's say we mean a Higher Power--a power greater than our thinky thoughts, good ideas, grudges, positions and opinions: a divine Mind, a benevolent intelligence of some sort, some kind of bankable Love energy. Something that hears us and cares, when we cry out in our pain and mortification. I also like the Deteriorata's definition of God as the Cosmic Muffin.

But what if the most illustrious atheists and agnostics hear that we actually believe this?

It's none of your business what they think. To plagiarize from my book, it is like worrying about some guy wandering around the Mojave in a wet suit, reciting the poetry of Edgar A. Guest. People get to think and believe what they think and believe. You will never change them, or they us. Surrender: lay your weapons down. Let me make you a nice cup of tea.

What if they say you are ignorant, and a danger, in public?

It would have nothing to do with you. Maybe they are having trouble at work, or a spastic colon.

So do you actually believe that the soul is eternal? That death is just the end of dying, not of life?

Yes. Also, that there is a dessert section in heaven, and that it in fact makes up most of heaven, except for the ponds, and gift shop.

But we still die, correct?

Of course, and the question we ask ourselves, is, How do we live in the face of that? How alive are we willing to be? Why do we keep hitting the snooze button? What will it take for us to stop squandering our time?

Well? What's the answer? What does it take to get serious about this life we've been given, even if we don't know if God gave it to us, or chance?

Usually either a terminal illness or a DUI.

Is it legal to believe in evolution and all aspects of modern physics, yet also believe in a personal god, a Beloved, a sacred dimension to our lives?

Yes, in some states."

And here was the most "liked" comment that made me smile:

"Well, it's a total crap shoot if you ask me. Does God exist? Not exist? I think the more important questions are: does what you believe give you a sense of awe and wonder? Does it make you feel smaller in a good, humble way? Does what you believe make you want to get out of your comfort zone and do right by other people even if you don't like them or you don't feel like it because it makes you feel more like that thing you believe in lives in you and fills you up? Does what you believe make you feel more connected to the world around you? Does it help you bear the weight of unavoidable suffering and help you laugh at yourself (or check yourself) when you create unnecessary suffering? Does it help you love? If the answer is yes then I don't care what you call it. Just worship that whatever-it-is with all your imperfect, flailing, grasping, striving, loving self and we'll all be good. Amen.

What in my life is indestructible?

I am in this stage in my life that my therapist calls an existential crisis. I don't know what that means exactly, but I do know that I have been thinking deeply about how I want to live my life, and how I want to help my children live theirs. 

I've been thinking about how life seems to invite this:

Cynicism is defined as an attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others.

And this:

Author Paul E. Miller said, "Cynicism begins with a wry assurance that everyone has an angle. Behind every silver lining is a cloud. The cynic is always observing, critiquing but never engaging, loving and hoping."

My friend recently told me about how much a book called, "Ruling Your World: Ancient Strategies for Modern Life" by Sakyong Mipham has influenced how she recognizes that cynicism in herself and what she does about it.

When I looked up the book on Amazon this was the number one review listed for it:

By The Review Revolution (janariess.typepad.com) on February 13, 2006

"Mipham, the worldwide leader of Shambhala and the son of the late Tibetan teacher Chogyam Trungpa (who wouldn't love to be a fly on the wall in that house?) argues that people need to examine the me-centered spirituality of their lives:

We think, "Will this food make me happy?" "Will this movie make me happy?" "Will this person make me happy?" . . . . Occasionally when I meet with meditation students, their questions show that they are approaching even spiritual practice as a way of making themselves happy. Is my yoga, my tai chi, my meditation making "me" feel better? They are simply using a new guise to perpetuate the old habit of putting themselves first." (pp 11-12)

He offers practical suggestions on how to change this habit, beginning with the realization that change will occur slowly and that we should begin by simply aiming for a ten percent transformation: to be ten percent more compassionate, ten percent less selfish, ten percent more aware of the karmic consequences of our anger. Subsequent chapters discuss four ways to instill compassion for a lifetime: we must strive to for the discernment of the tiger, the delight of the lion, the equanimity or the garuda, and the playful wisdom of the dragon. (And in case you're wondering, a garuda is a mythical bird that hatches fully developed. Who knew?)

I found this book genuinely helpful, and that's saying something. I'm not very forgiving of pop spirituality and the self-help genre. But Mipham is wise and unafraid to call a spade a spade. He's not out to flatter his readers or tell them how to live longer or feel invincible or win friends or influence people. He's a realist, and he only wants to prepare them for the inevitable: death is coming."

And this was a part from the beginning of the book:

"Dawa Sangpo, the first king of the ancient Himalayan kingdom of Shambhala, once supplicated the Buddha for spiritual guidance. He said, "I'm a king. I have a palace, a family, ministers, subjects, an army, and a treasury. I want to realize enlightenment, but I cannot abandon my responsibilities to pursue spiritual practice in a monastery. Please teach me how to use life in the world to become enlightened:'

The Buddha assured the king that he would not have to become an ascetic or a monk in order to attain enlightenment. Indeed, he could practice a spiritual path while fulfilling his many responsibilities. He could become a sakyong-a ruler who rules by balancing heaven and earth. Heaven is wisdom. Earth is nitty-gritty experience. When we begin to mix wisdom into our secular life, we have success-both spiritual and worldly. The Buddha said to the king, "Don't be biased. Look at the land and look at your people. If you can develop certainty in the indestructible basic goodness that lies at the heart of everything, then you can rule your world. But becoming a sakyong is a challenging path, since life in the world is full of decisions to make, as well as endless distractions:' Taking these instructions to heart, King Dawa Sangpo developed certainty in the view of basic goodness. This vision transformed his kingdom, for it brought inspiration and meaning to people's lives.

....If ruling our world stems from developing certainty in our sanity, how do we discover it? The Shambhala teachings instruct us to "put our mind of fearfulness in the cradle of loving-kindness." The most loving environment we can create is on the meditation seat. My father taught me to meditate when I was a child. At the beginning, this meant simply taking time out of my day to reflect on my feelings. Then I learned to stabilize my mind by placing it on the breath. When I had accomplished the precision of this technique, he told me to contemplate impermanence, suffering, karma, selflessness, and compassion. When I was about twelve, he instructed me to meditate and contemplate for one hour a day. He later increased the sessions to two hours, At times I meditated for several days, and eventually for weeks and even months. Since meditation was to be the mainstay of my future vocation, I had the time to do it this way.

When I was a teenager, I explained to my father that I wanted to go camping alone in the wilderness. After pondering it for a few days, he said that this would be a good time. As a parent, he was proud that I wanted to explore the world on my own, and he was concerned about my safety. He wanted to make sure I could carry a heavy backpack, so after loading me up, he had me run up and down the stairs a few times, Having satisfied his concerns, off I went, feeling exuberant.

I hiked for about a week, rarely seeing anyone and encountering all kinds of foul weather-wind, rain, hail. I felt surprisingly happy. Having grown up in situations where there were many people around, I had always been tutored, fed, and served. Feeling alone helped me appreciate what others had done for me, and I also began to discover my own strength as a Shambhala warrior on my way to becoming a ruler. Nature was an excellent teacher, never giving an inch. If I wanted to eat, I had to make a meal; if I wanted to sleep, I had to think ahead and find an appropriate camping spot.

Upon my return, people were relieved, excited, and proud. Although it had been a short trip, I had grown tremendously. Through all the dramatic weather and other challenges, I was left sitting with my mind, I had discovered my own confidence, which gave me confidence in my basic goodness.

My father also trained me in poetry and calligraphy, following the traditional guidelines for educating a future ruler. One day as we were leaning on a railing at our house in Colorado, looking out at a meadow and some pine trees, a hummingbird appeared. It fluttered in several directions and darted off. My father turned to me and said, "Today I will teach you how to write poetry." I have continued to practice and enjoy this art, as well as calligraphy. Such deepening arts teach us to express the inexpressible-love, impermanence, and beauty. Diving into our own profundity, bringing the precision of meditation into physical form, we discover the profundity of life.

In addition, my father made sure that I trained in martial arts-the physical discipline of moving meditation that helps us become less insulated within our own mind. Practicing sports or martial arts gives us natural confidence. We develop a bond of kinship and appreciation with friends.

Breathing fresh air and learning to synchronize mind and body help us develop a healthy sense of self, which allows us to further increase our confidence. We can then offer our understanding to others, I learned Japanese archery-kyudo. Initially, we were not allowed even to hold the bow and arrow. Then for the first year of practice, we shot at a target only six feet away, the idea being that if we could develop proper form, hitting the target would not be an issue. Eventually, we shot at a target seventy-five feet away.

Raising a ruler differs from the conventional approach to education, which considers the mind an empty box waiting to be filled. My father once told one of my tutors that in raising a future sakyong or sakyong wangmo-earth-protector king or queen-we are educating the sky. The sky perceives, understands, and encompasses everything. There are no boundaries-only possibilities. Educating ourselves as sakyong is therefore not a laborious undertaking. It is filled with appreciation, curiosity, and delight. We are cultivating certainty in basic goodness and developing our noble qualities. When we are connected with basic goodness, it inspires our every breath, action, and thought. With the resulting brilliance and confidence, we can accomplish whatever we wish. This is how we rule our world."

I've decided that my existential crisis will be met with a commitment to develop this certainty:

"If you can develop certainty in the indestructible basic goodness that lies at the heart of everything, then you can rule your world."

I want to do this by recognizing that "the cynic is always observing, critiquing but never engaging, loving and hoping." and choosing to put my energy and resources toward the opposite. I want to engage, love and hope more by pursing meditation, time in nature and exercising, and time creating or appreciating art, even if it is only ten percent more at a time.

Because turns out, DEATH IS COMING. Whew. I thought a lot about this reality after reading this insightful piece as well:

"We need to be clear about the background against which our discussions of religion take place. None of us are going to make it out of this world alive. And everyone of us will have to part with everything and everyone we care about most. Everyone of us will have to sacrifice everything.

As the Lectures on Faith put it: a religion that does not require the sacrifice of all things has not the power to save.

But there’s a catch here: even if your religion doesn’t require you to sacrifice everything, life will.

The basic religious question with respect to all these losses is not if you will be asked to sacrifice everything, but how you will do it. With what attitude, with what posture? With an open heart and an open hand or with a fearful mind and a closed fist?

Sacrificing everything happens more dramatically and traumatically for some, and more quietly and subtly for others. But no one gets a free pass. We will all have to face this. We’ll all have this day of reckoning when God shows up to require that we return to him what he’d previously given."

And this one: 

"Faith is not the same thing as common sense. It may be that, for you, God’s reality is so natural and so consonant with common sense that you’ve never doubted it and don’t have to work at believing in it. God is just plain given as part of how things are. This is true for many people. Believing in God isn’t something they chose any more than they chose to believe that the sky is blue. They couldn’t unchoose it if they tried. But this isn’t enough. Though this native, common sense acceptance of God’s reality can be a blessing, it can also get in the way of practicing real faith. It can lull you into thinking the hard work of losing your soul is done when, in fact, you haven’t even started.

On the other hand, it may be true that, for you, the existence of God is so unlikely and runs so counter to common sense that even an earnest kind of wishful thinking is more than you can credibly muster. God is just not given to you as part of how things are. This is also true for many people. Not-believing just is and this is not the result of sin or the product of something they chose or could magically unchoose. Though this common sense godlessness can make things harder, it too can open a path to practicing faith. It may free you from common sense idolatries.

Neither kind of common sense is faith. Whether God is or isn’t obvious to you, the work is the same: practice faithfully attending to the difficult, disturbing, and resistant truths God sets knocking at your door. Faith is a willingness to lose your soul in caring for what’s right in front of you. Faith doesn’t wish these difficult things away. It invites them in, breaks bread with them, and washes their feet. Faith gives to what is given.

Common sense theist, common sense atheist, common sense (or anguished!) agnostic: the work is the same. Each must practice faith. Each must choose to care rather than wish or run."

Every day, every moment, I am facing the inevitability of the destruction and death of everything and everyone I love. 

I keep hearing people farther along the road than I am tell me some version about how the best way to face the pain of current or future loss is to create a life where I can believe that goodness is indestructible, and that goodness is at the heart of everything. They tell me that choosing to believe that at the heart of even difficult things is goodness is choosing to stay and have faith, and that choosing cynicism in the face of difficulty is choosing to run. They tell me that this is the real choice of life.

I'm pretty sure I'm choosing faith. One moment of presence at a time, one walk around a lake at a time, and one hour at a time of... listening to a musical artist while I clean. HA! That's all I've got for you today art! 

But seriously, this ha become so real to me - this decision I want to make every morning when I wake that today I can commit to give 10% more toward believing that at the heart of everything is a goodness that can never be destroyed. I am told that this is enough, even if today is all I have. 

I believe that too. 

What I'll remember

None of them wanted to fall asleep in their own beds and I just didn't have it in me to break out the measures that would have gotten them there. I was feeling so done though. Especially with Joan. She was crying and freaking out about everything, "Bu I TAN'T ____!" was her wailing response to every single suggestion I had for helping her.

It's amazing how much little things help though. I had turned on the Spotify playlist "Lullaby music that helps the baby sleep but doesn't make me homicidal" when I started bedtime prep and it kept bringing me back over and over to remembering that this moment is the only one I'm guaranteed and my options are to accept it or fight against it.

The other thing that helped was this silly sounding parenting tip that has actually really helped me since reading it:

from: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/11/tantrums-and-meltdowns-my-secret-for-staying-calm-when-my-kids-arent/

"I’m the kind of person who absorbs and is affected by everyone’s feelings. But I also know that staying calm and centered in the face of even the darkest of my children’s emotions is imperative to their well-being. My boat is easily rocked, and when that happens I can lose perspective, and rather than giving my kids the solid support for their feelings or the behavior limits they need during a tantrum, I can end up losing patience, melting, second-guessing myself, getting mad or frustrated, yelling, doing things that not only don’t work, but also create problems that make matters worse.

...So when my kids are angry, sad, frustrated, winding up or melting down, I imagine myself donning a superhero suit equipped with a protective shield that deflects even the fiercest, most irritating emotional outbursts. It makes me feel confident and capable and inspires me to rise above the fray.  Just reaching for my superhero suit helps me to take a step out of myself and gain a clearer perspective.  I realize:

This is a VIPM (very important parenting moment). Releasing these feelings is so good for my child. This explosion will clear the air and lift my child’s spirits.  Staying present and calm, sticking with whatever limits I’ve set and being a safe channel for these emotions is the very best thing I could ever do."

So while Sophia rolled around on the edge of the bed in her own little world and Verity played sitting on my knees and Joan clutched at me and cried that I wasn't tickling her right, wasn't getting her the drink she needed, wasn't fill-in-the-blank and whatever you can come up with she probably cried hot, bitter tears about it into my shoulder. But when I felt that desire start to overwhelm me to pick her up, march her to her own bed and tell her she was welcome to cry herself to sleep alone, I mentally put my superhero cape on instead and repeated, "Releasing these feelings is so good for her." over and over. I just let her clutch at me in writhing, loud, "nothing will ever be better" tears until she slowly quieted and fell asleep on my chest. I kissed her chubby little cheek, scooted her to the side, nursed Verity to sleep, and then took this picture before tip toeing away feeling grateful to have made it through a hard night with a few moments of this:

...Occasionally (though it’s pretty rare) my superhero perspective even allows me to recognize the romance in these moments. I’m able to time travel at hyper-speed into the future, look back and realize that this was prime time together.  It didn’t look pretty, but we were close. I’ll remember how hard it was to love my child when she was at her very worst and feel super proud that I did it anyway."

Clarity

After Joan's accident this summer I have struggled to make peace with the memory of the events. For a couple months I would struggle not to replay it over and over in my head when I'd be laying in bed at night. I'd cry and cry and often have to get up and do something to distract me. That has faded, it is easier to distract myself, but I still, every time I think about it - I feel the stress response spread through my body. I feel sick to my stomach, my chest tightens and my heart beats faster and I just think to myself, "Hello Rachel you are not actually watching your daughter cut her finger off, calm down." So anyway, I've been wanting to do EMDR therapy ever since researching it after listening to some friends talk about how much it helped them process traumatic events in their life.

A short definition by Wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy developed by Francine Shapiro that emphasizes disturbing memories as the cause of psychopathology^[1][2] and alleviates the symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).^[3]

EMDR is used for individuals who have experienced severe trauma that remains unresolved.^[4] According to Shapiro, when a traumatic or distressing experience occurs, it may overwhelm normal cognitive and neurological coping mechanisms. The memory and associated stimuli are inadequately processed and stored in an isolated memory network.^[1]

The goal of EMDR therapy is to process these distressing memories, reducing their lingering effects and allowing clients to develop more adaptive coping mechanisms. This is done in an eight-phase approach that includes having clients recall distressing images while receiving one of several types of bilateral sensory input, including side to side eye movements.^[5] The use of EMDR was originally developed to treat adults suffering from PTSD; however, it is also used to treat other conditions and children.^[6]

So today, exactly seven months from the day of her accident I finally had a session with a therapist who specializes in EMDR and child therapy named Carol Kibbe.

She asked me to describe the experience very briefly and I just told her that I was sitting on the living room floor with a large metal paper cutter right in front of me that I was using to cut paper for an art project for the kids when Joan just out of nowhere sat down next to me, lifted the cutter and pushed down on it with her other hand and cut the top of her pinkie off. I told her if it had taken one second instead of half a second, that I could have stopped it. There was blood pouring everywhere and we rushed her straight to the hospital where we had to wait for an hour and a half for the pediatric hand surgeon to respond to the ER docs questions about how to treat it and in the end they just decided to stitch it back saying she'd have a 50/50 chance that it would reattach.

I bawled like a baby through most of the session but it was so so so good.

Carol: What was the worst part of the experience, what was the most traumatic part, if you had to just choose one image, what would it be?

Me: Watching her push the blade down on her fingers and not having time to just reach out and stop it.

Carol: What feeling comes to you the strongest when you think of that image?

Me: helplessness.

 Carol: And where do you feel that?

Me: In my chest.

Carol: Ok, so I want you to replay that image and that part of the experience in your mind and let yourself feel those feelings of helplessness while you hold these small cylinders. (that took turns vibrating and were the "bilateral sensory input" part).

We did that a couple times and she'd have me rate on a scale of 1-10 how distressing my feelings were.

And then we moved on and I told her another thing that I felt I needed to work through was that when I think of her accident or it comes up in conversation, I struggle with feelings of guilt or anger at myself. Of feeling like I should have prevented it. She asked me to label it more precisely and I said it was a feeling of not being enough, and that I felt it mostly in my stomach, like a sick feeling in my gut.

And then we did the same thing and then I told her another issue I still struggle with in the same, "I'm not enough" way is that when it happened I yelled "Oh God" over and over while carrying her around trying to find something to stop the bleeding and while Verity and Sophia followed me, and how every time the accident comes up Sophia tells people, "My mommy FREAKED ME OUT. She was yelling and yelling and I got freaked out!" And how I feel ashamed that I didn't stay more calm, that I traumatized Joan worse by not being calm and that I also was the reason it was a worse experience for Ver and Sophia. And then we did the same thing where I imagined it all and felt that feeling of not being enough, if I had been enough I would have been able to stop it from happening AND I would have handled it better during the initial crisis. And then she said we were going to do the same images but while finding one phrase to repeat to myself - a phrase of what I would have told a friend who was in my situation and was struggling with feelings of helplessness, guilt and not feeling competent or enough.

And I actually told her that instead of the friend idea, it helped me to think of what I would tell Joan about her part in the accident. At one point in the hospital when I was explaining to her that we had to unwrap her hand to get it X-rayed she sobbed to me, "I jus wish I hadn't messed wit it!" And I told Carol that THAT feeling I had when Joan was blaming herself was what I wanted to feel for myself. That feeling of wanting Joan to know that I understood how awful she felt but that she didn't need to blame herself, that accidents are just a part of life and that I loved all of her no matter what she did. That it was impossible for her to do something that she should ever beat herself up about, that just her being, just her existing was the reason she shouldn't regret any part of herself.

So then we did "I am enough" as what I told myself while replaying the hard images/experience but I told her that in my head I kept justifying to myself WHY I was enough. Like I was telling myself, "Well you're enough cause you pulled it together at the hospital and was calm for her." or "You're enough because you process the experience with her now in helpful ways when it comes up." And I told her I didn't like it. That I didn't tell Joan that she was "enough" because she was competent or acted in a certain way. I told her that I love the mantra, "Love shows up" and THAT'S what I wanted to tell myself. That I was enough for Joan because I showed up. Because I was there for her giving my everything no matter how poor my everything was, the quality of my mothering didn't matter. Wow this is harder to write than to say. But in the end, we spent most of the rest of the session with me bawling (and holding the vibrating cylinders) while going through the experience again through the eyes of a mother who was there for her daughter and that was all that mattered.

I went on a little walk afterwards and just felt so grateful and peaceful. Grateful for science and good people to help me find clarity about the hard things in life.