Happy Sabbath to me

Sophia on our way out of church: "I like church way better than school, school is too long. Church is WAY better! I used to pretend that my primary was my school, but now I go to both and I like church WAY better. It's just as wonderful as school but not as LOOOOONG."

Also, when we got home she had me go lay in my bed and put the covers over my head while she did something her teacher, "asked everyone in the class to do before next Sunday". When I came back I found little foam hearts on top of different little chores/clean ups she had done around the house. One of them was she had organized the toys in the toy chest, "See how nicely they are laying in there now, Mommy? SO FLAT, isn't it wonderful??"

And then we went on a walk around our neighborhood and the girls played in the piles of beautiful fall leaves that are decorating our streets right now. We gathered a whole bunch of all the different kinds and brought them home and Sophia taped them up all over our house as art. I would have taken a photo if my cell phone weren't lost. But this is what our neighborhood looks like right now.

And then for Sunday dinner I made chicken nuggets and fruit cups of red grapefruit (they had SECONDS) for the kids, and I ate a frozen dinner of saag paneer which was as perfect a dinner as I think I could have asked for. I am now motivated to find a way to buy these in bulk. AND, Sophia ate some with me, I was so shocked and she was just giggling and giggling at my sincerely (and maybe dramatic) disbelief after every bite she would take.

And now the kids are laughing like crazy while they jump on my bed and dress up in my clothes.

I read this the other day:

"We have art in order not to die of the truth." - Friedrich Nietzsche

In my world today it would be,

"We have art and children in order not to die of the truth." 

"Just say no" lied

Recovery of brain dopamine transporters in methamphetamine (METH) abuser after protracted abstinence. With treatment that keeps abusers off METH, drug-altered brains can recover at least some of their former functioning, as these images illustrate. Using positron emission tomography, we can measure the level of dopamine transporters (DAT) in the striatal region of the brain as an indicator of dopamine system function. The METH abuser (center) shows greatly reduced levels of DAT (yellow and green), which return to nearly normal following prolonged abstinence (red and yellow). Source: Volkow, N.D., et al. 2001.Journal of Neuroscience 21:9414–18. 

Recovery is possible

It is not enough to “just say no”—as the 1980s slogan suggested. Instead, you can protect (and heal) yourself from addiction by saying “yes” to other things. Cultivate diverse interests that provide meaning to your life. Understand that your problems usually are transient, and perhaps most importantly, acknowledge that life is not always supposed to be pleasurable."

- http://www.helpguide.org/harvard/how-addiction-hijacks-the-brain.htm

Sometimes addiction sounds so tempting. Creating a life around just pleasure? Not having to keep putting one foot in front of the other through the pain when there's only one healthy way through it, and word on the street is that it doesn't include numbing?

The other day at the grocery store I stood in front of these carts and imagined feeling better, just like that.

I stood there and texted this photo to a good friend who drinks, along with the caption, "You know how I love me a good deal!!!"

And then I told her that I was done with feeling and wanted to take up drinking instead. I asked her to tell me in one sentence why she drinks. She wrote back, "Because it makes me feel like a grown up." And then awhile later this text came, "My suggestion: Just don't go there at all. It's really not all it's cracked up to be."

To numb, or not to numb? Is it really a choice that is so black and white? Can't I choose to numb, just a little, and still find health? Honestly, it is still a question that eats at me. But as I walked around that store and put bread and eggs and milk and silly strawberry toothpaste into my cart I repeated over and over in my head,

Fuck you, Addiction. I choose my kids.
Fuck you, Addiction. I choose my kids.

Weight bearing questions

This one, oh this one (obviously):

http://bycommonconsent.com/2014/10/21/life-withers-on-testimony

And I liked this next one, but the questions posed by Isaac in this part of his comment below resonated better for me:

http://timesandseasons.org/index.php/2014/10/the-body-of-christ/

Isaac Hess on October 16, 2014 at 8:29 pm

I prefer the question, “Is this God’s church? Is this God’s work?” I consider that question load-bearing, but an affirmative answer to that question carries far fewer assumptions than the simpler, “Is the church true?”

What does it mean for a church, a massive institution and bureaucracy, to be _true_? Not much. But believe that this is “God’s church” still allows a fair amount of error, sin, and imperfection that are apparent, along with the beauty, grace, and truth which are also apparent.

Most therapists suck

Seriously. But somehow I found one that doesn't. I'm still a little in awe of how the therapist I have now fell into my lap so easily. The first recommendation I got and she is extraordinary. She is experienced and thoughtful and nonjudgmental and honest and she cuts through the mess so easily to the heart of the questions. And, she even cried with me one time. That is probably what I need most in a therapist. Someone who cares. If I can find competency and caring, those are my top two wish lists and she kicks the crap out of those two. Barbara Rye Ryan, if anyone in Prescott is looking for someone. But anyway, back to my reason for posting, I also think most of the marriage advice articles I come across are pretty sucky too, but when Penelope Trunk links to a therapist's blog I always click, and this guy didn't disappoint.

Reason number two was the one that Penelope Trunk quoted in her blog post:

The nine most overlooked threats to a marriage

"2. Marriage doesn't take away our loneliness: To be alive is to be lonely. It’s the human condition. Marriage doesn’t change the human condition. It can’t make us completely unlonely. And when it doesn’t, we blame our partner for doing something wrong, or we go searching for companionship elsewhere. Marriage is intended to be a place where two humans share the experience of loneliness and, in the sharing, create moments in which the loneliness dissipates. For a little while."

And this one:
http://drkellyflanagan.com/2013/05/01/the-most-important-thing-to-look-for-in-a-life-partner/

Wisdom from a stranger

I came across this picture on my family blog while searching for a quote I posted years ago. Verity is two years and and five months old right now. So this photo is probably almost exactly two years old. It feel like an eternity. Like I'm looking back on a stranger.

This is what I wrote with the photograph two years ago. Stranger or not, looks like I still believe it.


To Sophia (and everyone else I love)

“The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you'll see their flaws. That's just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don't last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they're out of money or under pressure or hungry, for goodness' sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it's seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.” 
― Unknown

Who're we kidding, I'm never jumping ship physically. But this quote is why I am so intent to stop losing it with Sophia (and everyone else in different ways, of course). I am "jumping ship" with my heart whenever I mistreat her. And I want to be honest about that with her. When I try to process difficult moments with Sophia I find myself saying these kinds of things after hurting her: 

- I will always always always say I'm sorry. I will always always always forgive you when you've hurt me. 

- I will always always always find a way to soften my heart and start treating you right again. 

Davey and I have talked often (actually mostly before we even had kids and had time for philosophizing about these kinds of things) about saying, "I always love you, even when I'm mad at you." to our kids. What I've come to for me and how I want to talk to the girls about it is this. 

There are two kinds of love. One is mostly biological. You are my baby and because of that fact alone I would die for you anytime in a heart beat. Even if I'm super super super mad at you at the moment. This kind of love isn't hard for me, it is just there. All the time. It never leaves me. I'm like a mother bear and it is a part of my instinct that I could never get away from. I will ALWAYS love and protect you from outside harm at whatever cost. 

The other kind of love is the kind I have to choose. When I lose my temper or yell at you or feel mean feelings toward you, these are examples of times when I'm not being loving. These are times when I treat you poorly and when I would not expect that you'd feel love from me. Because I would be feeling resentment, frustration and animosity toward you. I would assume you'd be feeling my resentment, frustration or animosity, not love. But what I can promise about this is I will never ever ever let those feelings stay. I will always always always find a way to soften my heart and choose to let that love enter my heart again and I will always ask your forgiveness. I will always start feeling love again. 

Basically, I want to be honest that I am not always loving, but I will never leave you. I will never stop showing up. I will never abandon you, I will always repent and offer you the love that was missing during my failure. 

Okay so that was really long and rambly, but now it's on paper and that is something! 

Also, here are what I've heard Davey say over the years in my memory quote that is not a quote, haha:

"If someone tells me they love me while they're treating me like [crap], then they can keep that "love".  If the animals can have that kind of love then it's not what's going to save us. The kind of love that means something is the kind we have to choose. The kind we lose and then get back again, over and over, for our whole lives and in the greatest and never ending work of mankind."

Sweet Songbird

I've probably listened to this song a hundred times.

Sweet songbird singing in the morning hour

Waking me up to tell me how
Another day passes along
I love that simple song that reminds me
I'm getting closer to you

And every time thoughts tumble down
My mind is unwound
So much to say
Maybe on another day
When these words will come out right

A lesson in love is the hardest thing
You and I will ever learn
Because our hearts are so shy
And I think of you everyday
And in the night I pray
That you're safe from harm

We're walking on a thin string
But I know the Lords got the whole thing in his hands
We're strangers in this land
But together could make our way home
Make our way home


The fire passed me by
The earthquakes shaking the mountain
And I let em' go
When love had left me dry
Your quiet voice broke through
To water my soul now

Oh sweet thing, she's coming round my way
Oh sweet love, what else can I say
Today

On giving

I was searching Dr. Greene's site for ideas for Verity's ears and happened upon this,

"More women become depressed while their children are babies than at any other time in life (Clin Pharmacokinet 1994 Oct;27(4):270-89). With the surging tide of postpartum hormones, mounting sleep deprivation, persistent noise, shifting body image, the change of life structure, and the loss of control of one’s own time, this depression is not surprising — even with a brand-new bundle of joy in the home."

I got pregnant with my first child after five months of marriage and then had three babies in four and half years. That includes approximately 27 months of pregnancy in addition to three subsequent years with an infant on my breast and hip and a toddler (or two) holding my hand. They say 5,000 diaper changes in two years is a rough estimate per child. I don't even want to add up how many meals that would be prepared and cleaned up from, how many hours of sleep lost. And I spent most of those years living in New York City or a rural home almost an hour from a city. 

This part of a blog post I recently read brought up something that I want these children of mine to hear about my choice to bring them into this world and my choices as I've raised them:

from: http://theweek.com/article/index/270020/the-uncomfortable-truth-in-the-giving-tree

Silverstein's classic book is not a "happily ever after" kind of tale. (Barnes & Noble, AP Photo)

"Once there was a tree and she loved a boy." And so begins Shel Silverstein's The Giving Tree, the bestselling children's book that turns 50 this year and is still, 10 million copies later, one of the most divisive in the canon.

As its name suggests, the story is a tale about giving. The tree gives the boy her branches to hang from when he longs to play, apples to sell when he needs money, her branches to build with when he asks for a home, her trunk to carve a boat out of when he wants to get away, and a stump to sit on when he must rest his weary bones.

For its fans, the book is a parable about the beauty of generosity, and the power of giving to forge connection between two people. For its detractors the book is an irresponsible tale that glorifies maternal selflessness, even as the maternal figure is destroyed in the process. Despite the tree being reduced to a stump, the book declares in its final lines, "the tree was happy" — a line that has made many mothers wince.

Although they land in very different places, both readings are based on the presumption that the book itself was designed to be a happy one. The thinking is that Silverstein intended the tale to endear and so he presented us with a model of giving: the character of the tree. But I don't believe the goal here was to represent the apotheosis of giving (or a Christlike figure as some interpret it), so much as the complexity of human connection.

...This is probably a good moment to say that I love The Giving Tree. It was the first book I read (or memorized, depending on who you ask). But at age 4, I didn't think about the selflessness of the caregiver. Rather, I was enthralled by the intense power that connections have to shape who we are and what we will become. Over the years I came to see the book less and less as an endorsement of giving, and more about the way love and tragedy are irrevocably intertwined, and how our giving to others inevitably detracts from how much we can give ourselves.

My son is way too young to understand any of this, but one day I hope he sees the capacity for beauty and danger in the act of giving. If he's anything like me, his first lesson will be from this book."

Dear daughters, it is true - giving to you has inevitably detracted from how much I could give myself. This is the way for everyone who lets somebody into their life. A life shared with someone else will always be a life with danger, because it will include both love and tragedy. I have chosen to share that love and tragedy with each of you, and I will choose it every morning that I wake for the rest of my life, even as I sort through the ways that giving too much or too little has been hurtful. And I will be here for you, still learning myself, as each of you experience your own tragedies and love and face for yourselves the capacity for beauty and the danger in the act of giving.

Fascinating isn't the word I'd use

A fascinating new study finds that parents who watch violent or sexualized movies become desensitized—and more willing to let their kids watch. Researchers were surprised how quickly parental attitudes shifted. They "found that when they had 1,000 parents watch a series of movie clips, the group seemed to be less bothered by violent or sexual content with each successive clip… After the first clip, parents typically said the content was OK for a 17-year-old, but not a younger child. By the time they saw the last clip, however, they were ready to let a 14-year-old watch.”

"I'm not sure parents realize their own movie-viewing habits might influence their decisions about what their kids can watch," Van Cleave said. "But I think that's something they should be aware of."

And what's the harm of allowing a 12-year-old to see violence or sex on screen? Both Van Cleave and Romer said there is research linking exposure to media violence and sex to kids' behavior -- though that doesn't prove cause-and-effect.

And it's not clear whether different types of violence -- a robot being destroyed, versus a person being shot -- could have different effects, according to Romer. "That's an open question," he said. "We don't know whether fantasy violence could be less harmful."

Romer suggested that parents "think more deeply" about the kinds of film content they want their kids to see. Even if a violent scene doesn't make you bat an eye, he said, consider what it might be like to see it for the first time.

http://www.wcax.com/story/26829155/desensitized-parents-let-kids-watch-more-movie-violence-sex

That's all

Penelope Trunk:

"...Do you ever wish on a star? I do. I think about what is the most important thing to me. I never cheat—I don’t wish for ten wishes. And I don’t use conjunctions to string wishes together. I don’t wish for superpowers or anything I think would be unachievable, pie-in-the-sky.

If you try this, you will end up figuring out, each night, what is most important in your life. I discovered that I want to see my kids grow up and find their own paths. I want to see how they turn out. More than anything.

This should not surprise me because when I was at the World Trade Center, and it fell, and I couldn’t see and couldn’t breathe, time slowed down. To the point of almost stopping. What I now know to be only about one minute feels, in my memory, like five or ten minutes. I stood still and thought: This is it it. Now I will die. And I had a sort of peaceful feeling. I thought: I have heard asphyxiation is very painful. I hope this is not painful. Then I thought: I was so looking forward to watching my life unfold. I’m so disappointed to not see my brothers grow into adults. I’m so disappointed to not watch my marriage unfold into a family.

That’s all: disappointment about not getting to watch family grow and make choices.

I had a big career. I never felt sad that I would not do any more of my big job.

We don’t know the meaning of life, but we know that relationships matter more than anything, and watching them unfold is the most enjoyable part of life: Watching people make decisions and be themselves and connect themselves to us. This is all what life is about."

http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2014/10/19/what-type-of-woman-who-should-freeze-her-eggs/#more-13768