On giving

I was searching Dr. Greene's site for ideas for Verity's ears and happened upon this,

"More women become depressed while their children are babies than at any other time in life (Clin Pharmacokinet 1994 Oct;27(4):270-89). With the surging tide of postpartum hormones, mounting sleep deprivation, persistent noise, shifting body image, the change of life structure, and the loss of control of one’s own time, this depression is not surprising — even with a brand-new bundle of joy in the home."

I got pregnant with my first child after five months of marriage and then had three babies in four and half years. That includes approximately 27 months of pregnancy in addition to three subsequent years with an infant on my breast and hip and a toddler (or two) holding my hand. They say 5,000 diaper changes in two years is a rough estimate per child. I don't even want to add up how many meals that would be prepared and cleaned up from, how many hours of sleep lost. And I spent most of those years living in New York City or a rural home almost an hour from a city. 

This part of a blog post I recently read brought up something that I want these children of mine to hear about my choice to bring them into this world and my choices as I've raised them:

from: http://theweek.com/article/index/270020/the-uncomfortable-truth-in-the-giving-tree

Silverstein's classic book is not a "happily ever after" kind of tale. (Barnes & Noble, AP Photo)

"Once there was a tree and she loved a boy." And so begins Shel Silverstein's The Giving Tree, the bestselling children's book that turns 50 this year and is still, 10 million copies later, one of the most divisive in the canon.

As its name suggests, the story is a tale about giving. The tree gives the boy her branches to hang from when he longs to play, apples to sell when he needs money, her branches to build with when he asks for a home, her trunk to carve a boat out of when he wants to get away, and a stump to sit on when he must rest his weary bones.

For its fans, the book is a parable about the beauty of generosity, and the power of giving to forge connection between two people. For its detractors the book is an irresponsible tale that glorifies maternal selflessness, even as the maternal figure is destroyed in the process. Despite the tree being reduced to a stump, the book declares in its final lines, "the tree was happy" — a line that has made many mothers wince.

Although they land in very different places, both readings are based on the presumption that the book itself was designed to be a happy one. The thinking is that Silverstein intended the tale to endear and so he presented us with a model of giving: the character of the tree. But I don't believe the goal here was to represent the apotheosis of giving (or a Christlike figure as some interpret it), so much as the complexity of human connection.

...This is probably a good moment to say that I love The Giving Tree. It was the first book I read (or memorized, depending on who you ask). But at age 4, I didn't think about the selflessness of the caregiver. Rather, I was enthralled by the intense power that connections have to shape who we are and what we will become. Over the years I came to see the book less and less as an endorsement of giving, and more about the way love and tragedy are irrevocably intertwined, and how our giving to others inevitably detracts from how much we can give ourselves.

My son is way too young to understand any of this, but one day I hope he sees the capacity for beauty and danger in the act of giving. If he's anything like me, his first lesson will be from this book."

Dear daughters, it is true - giving to you has inevitably detracted from how much I could give myself. This is the way for everyone who lets somebody into their life. A life shared with someone else will always be a life with danger, because it will include both love and tragedy. I have chosen to share that love and tragedy with each of you, and I will choose it every morning that I wake for the rest of my life, even as I sort through the ways that giving too much or too little has been hurtful. And I will be here for you, still learning myself, as each of you experience your own tragedies and love and face for yourselves the capacity for beauty and the danger in the act of giving.

Fascinating isn't the word I'd use

A fascinating new study finds that parents who watch violent or sexualized movies become desensitized—and more willing to let their kids watch. Researchers were surprised how quickly parental attitudes shifted. They "found that when they had 1,000 parents watch a series of movie clips, the group seemed to be less bothered by violent or sexual content with each successive clip… After the first clip, parents typically said the content was OK for a 17-year-old, but not a younger child. By the time they saw the last clip, however, they were ready to let a 14-year-old watch.”

"I'm not sure parents realize their own movie-viewing habits might influence their decisions about what their kids can watch," Van Cleave said. "But I think that's something they should be aware of."

And what's the harm of allowing a 12-year-old to see violence or sex on screen? Both Van Cleave and Romer said there is research linking exposure to media violence and sex to kids' behavior -- though that doesn't prove cause-and-effect.

And it's not clear whether different types of violence -- a robot being destroyed, versus a person being shot -- could have different effects, according to Romer. "That's an open question," he said. "We don't know whether fantasy violence could be less harmful."

Romer suggested that parents "think more deeply" about the kinds of film content they want their kids to see. Even if a violent scene doesn't make you bat an eye, he said, consider what it might be like to see it for the first time.

http://www.wcax.com/story/26829155/desensitized-parents-let-kids-watch-more-movie-violence-sex

That's all

Penelope Trunk:

"...Do you ever wish on a star? I do. I think about what is the most important thing to me. I never cheat—I don’t wish for ten wishes. And I don’t use conjunctions to string wishes together. I don’t wish for superpowers or anything I think would be unachievable, pie-in-the-sky.

If you try this, you will end up figuring out, each night, what is most important in your life. I discovered that I want to see my kids grow up and find their own paths. I want to see how they turn out. More than anything.

This should not surprise me because when I was at the World Trade Center, and it fell, and I couldn’t see and couldn’t breathe, time slowed down. To the point of almost stopping. What I now know to be only about one minute feels, in my memory, like five or ten minutes. I stood still and thought: This is it it. Now I will die. And I had a sort of peaceful feeling. I thought: I have heard asphyxiation is very painful. I hope this is not painful. Then I thought: I was so looking forward to watching my life unfold. I’m so disappointed to not see my brothers grow into adults. I’m so disappointed to not watch my marriage unfold into a family.

That’s all: disappointment about not getting to watch family grow and make choices.

I had a big career. I never felt sad that I would not do any more of my big job.

We don’t know the meaning of life, but we know that relationships matter more than anything, and watching them unfold is the most enjoyable part of life: Watching people make decisions and be themselves and connect themselves to us. This is all what life is about."

http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2014/10/19/what-type-of-woman-who-should-freeze-her-eggs/#more-13768