Parenting with Confidence: a philosophy toward living 18 years of gratitude instead of rage and self-hatred

It's 1:00 PM on Saturday afternoon and she's knitting a pair of mittens with tinker toy sticks in her pajamas on our porch that is currently unwalkable (due to her craft supplies/toys strewn all over it). 

When she was a baby/toddler I remember telling people, "I still agree with all the advice I gave parents for all those years (while working for a child development/parent support organization), it's just that now I know how hard it is to actually do all those things I suggested.

These days I can't hardly believe "those" days were real. Like, they're surreal. I mean, was I SERIOUS? And the things is, I WAS. I was serious, and it's...ludicrous in a way that is hard to believe was my reality. Six years later and three kids under my belt and all I can say I know about raising kids is that it's a wild ride and that once you're on, your're on. That's it. That's all I know, dear children: I'm your mom and I won't leave you.

Last week in therapy I was actually doing an "empty chair" exercise where I stumbled upon that realization in a way that clicked for me. I was supposed to pretend Sophia was sitting in the empty chair and express to her her how I feel without worrying if it's developmentally appropriate/helpful, and that's where I sobbed out this: 

"I don't know what to do to help you, but I will never leave you."

And then I switched chairs, wiped my eyes, and pretended to be her responding to me and "she" said to me:

"Good! I hate it when you act like you know everything." And also, "What the hell, you're my mom, you're supposed to know everything. Hmph!"

And my therapist laughed and laughed.

I've been thinking about how unexpected his response was and also about how much I liked it. And how if I had to sum up my child rearing philosophy, maybe it would be all of that combined.

"Dear offspring, 

I don't know what's best, but I know I'll never leave you. And confidence in those two things means I get to cry and laugh a lot while I raise you, and that makes for a very rich life. So, thanks!"

Modesty is about revealing our dignity

I saved a post under my "to read later" list because I liked the tag line from it: "Modesty isn't about hiding ourselves. It's about revealing our dignity." It sounded like a great way to talk about modesty with my girls because it makes sense to explain that there are as many different ways a person could reveal their dignity as there are cultures and individuals in the world.

And then I read the actual article and it pissed me off.

What my daughters will be taught, and how I try to live my own life:

 "What others think of you is none of your business. Dress however helps your life feel full and rich and dignified and then don't give it another thought. Which by the way is the most "modest" way to treat those around you, because you know what is super, super IMmodest? Being critical of how someone else chooses to clothe their body. Yeah. That's a really UNdignified thing to do. So focus on you and realize that how you dress will change over time as you change, and as your relationship to your culture changes, but seriously - do not lose sleep over anyone who tries to make how you choose to cover your body THEIR business. Unless they're lobbying to change their nation's laws on dress, I guess. Then fine - THAT is a reasonable place to respond to them if you have the time, energy and interest."

Which made me laugh by the time I got to the end of that. So freaking ridiculous I can't even believe I'm still writing about it.

But you know why I am? Cause I saw this in my newsfeed the other day.

Leave the girls alone, self-righteous jerk faces. Just support them and love them and care about them and trust them or leave them ALONE. And now I'm sitting here wondering why I didn't include myself in that. My therapist always makes me re-word stuff like this too. So here is what I really want to say:

 "Leave US alone, self-righteous jerk faces. Just support us and love us and care about us and trust us or leave us ALONE."

And now i'll go take my own advice and move on with making choices that help me live a full, rich, dignified life. Whew...:p

nothing else left to impart

I'm crying my way through cleaning my house and thinking that if God is real then this is how I feel about him.

The only reason why I continue at all
Faith in reason, I wasted my life playing dumb
Signs and wonders: sea lion caves in the dark
Blind faith, God’s grace, nothing else left to impart

Do I care if I survive this, bury the dead where they’re found
In a veil of great surprises; hold to my head till I drown
Should I tear my eyes out now, before I see too much?
Should I tear my arms out now, I wanna feel your touch

Should I tear my eyes out now?
Everything I see returns to you somehow
Should I tear my heart out now?
Everything I feel returns to you somehow